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Monday, May 21, 2012
John Edwards TrialA federal jury in Greensboro, NC deliberated for about five hours Friday over whether
John Edwards broke campaign finance laws. Before being sent home until Monday, the panel made several requests, the first
of which was, "What is the penalty for being the world's biggest douchebag? Just asking."
3:16 am est
Friday, May 18, 2012
Counting JobA study published in the journal Current Biology by researchers at Liverpool John Moores
University found that dinosaurs passed about 520 million metric tons of methane - about 706 gallons of gas a day - that contributed
to the warming of the planet. Like many people, I was shocked by this news. There are people employed to count and measure
dinosaur farts from 65 million years ago? What tools do they use to measure that? And where do I apply?
4:22 pm est
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Appropriate AttireThe defense attorney representing the accused Sept. 11 terrorists asked that other women
in the room wear more "appropriate" clothing to the proceedings, because their attire was making the defendants
uncomfortable. That sounded like a reasonable request to me, as it is important to respect the rights of the accused. So,
just brainstorming, just spit-balling here, just as a reasonable suggestion, I'm thinking it would also be appropriate
to take some of that appropriate clothing and wrap it around those motherfuckers' necks and choke the living shit out
of them. You know, just to be appropriate.
8:40 pm est
Thursday, May 10, 2012
ToothacheI'm having a really bad toothache keeping me from working. Fortunately, I have an ex
girlfriend who's a dentist, and she says she'll get me in right away and give me a great discount to boot. Funny thing,
I thought she was mad at me, but I guess she's over it, 'cause she says that after she's finished, I won't
have to worry about toothaches ever again.
Monday, May 7, 2012
College BenefitYou have to admire how the President is taking time out of his busy schedule to
speak at benefits for small colleges in several states. I'd like to catch an appearance in Ohio, but I can't find
the town of Electoral anywhere on the map.
5:11 pm est
Monday, April 30, 2012
Children are the FutureI believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show
them all the beauty they possess inside. Then, if they're at least 8 years old, send them to Washington, D.C., to replace
U.S. Solicitor General Donald B. Verilli, Jr., because an 8-year-old child could do a better job than this doofus.
12:56 am est
Thursday, April 26, 2012
UN ObserversUN Secretary-General Ban-Ki Moon today announced a plan to send additional UN observers
to Syria. "Let this be a warning to brutal dictators everywhere," said Moon. "Anytime and anywhere you bring
death and destruction on your own people, we will not hesitate to spend however much American money is necessary to send a
bunch of people in to watch."
7:00 am est
Monday, April 23, 2012
Ted NugentThe Secret Service launched an investigation of Ted Nugent yesterday after the rocker
made incendiary comments at an NRA convention. After a thorough investigation, the Service concluded that Mr. Nugent does
not pose a threat to prostitutes, but there was some confusion regarding how much Mr. Nugent expected to be paid for his sexual
services.
7:25 pm est
Friday, April 20, 2012
Surprise AnnouncementIn a surprise announcement today, Taliban spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid announced
an end to hostilities in Afghanistan. "We are most pleased to declare victory, as we see you have come around to our
way of thinking," said Mujahid. "Now we have the chance to lay down our arms and spend our retirement years living
in Arizona."
10:12 am est
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Government WasteLike most Americans, I am outraged by almost a million tax dollars being wasted
by the GSA on a 2010 Las Vegas training conference - money wasted paying for clowns, team-building exercises, key chains,
and commemorative coins. When these conferences are held in Las Vegas, I expect a competent government agency to waste our
tax dollars on booze, gambling, and hookers.
4:18 am est
Monday, April 9, 2012
Something Out of CaliforniaDespite mounting pressure to withdraw from the GOP presidential race, candidate
Rick Santorum today explained that he is staying in the race because he read something out of California that says he has
already obtained enough delegates to secure the nomination.
12:38 am est
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Marco Rubio EndorsementFlorida senator Marco Rubio appeared on Fox News today to explain his endorsement
of London as the site for the 2012 Olympic Games. "I would never have chosen London if it were up to me. There are at
least 6 or 7 other places that I would have preferred over London, but they chose not to run," said Rubio. "So it
looks like we're stuck with London, and I have to pretend to like it. The only good thing I can say is that it's better
than the last one, Beijing. But not by much, that's for sure."
12:28 am est
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Difficult SCOTUS DecisionAfter the Supreme Court on Wednesday wrapped up its rigorous three-day session that
will determine the fate of the federal health care overhaul, Justice Anthony Kennedy publicly acknowledged the historic importance
of the decision before the Court, telling reporters: "This is definitely the most important decision I've had to
make since that time I appointed George W. Bush President of the United States."
11:57 pm est
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Santorum CampaignRepublican presidential
candidate Rick Santorum's campaign suffered a major setback today when one of his biggest support groups withdrew its
endorsement. "We have regretfully reached this decision after long and careful deliberation," said Taliban spokesman
Rashid bin Hidin. "We have dedicated our lives to regressing as far back as the 17th century, but when Rick starts talking
16th, we have to draw the line."
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Spring TrainingSpring training
camps opened this week in Florida and Arizona for major league baseball clubs. The Boston Red Sox got off to a particularly
promising start, but training came to a sudden halt when some of the pitchers noticed a mobile food truck selling chicken and beer.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Buona FortunaSo there
I was, captaining my Italian passenger plane, when I ran the thing into some trees. I knew I should go see to my passengers,
but unfortunately I tripped and fell into a parachute and out of the plane. I made a nice soft landing, but I just wanted
to shout out a quick buona fortuna to all those folks on the plane.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Trial DelayA publication called The News & Observer posted a surprising story that John Edwards' federal corruption
trial was delayed for 60 days Friday so the former presidential hopeful can receive treatment for a "serious" but
unspecified heart condition. The story was surprising because the N&O chose to run the story in spite of the fact that
absolutely no one on the planet gives a flying f*** about what happens to John Edwards.
4:08 am est
Friday, December 16, 2011
Barry Bonds PunishmentUS District Judge Susan Illston today sentenced Barry Bonds to a suspended sentence and 30 days of home confinement
for misleading a 2003 grand jury investigating a steroids ring. "I realize this is a very harsh punishment;" Judge
Illston said while pronouncing the sentence. "however, I believe it is the only way these people can fully
appreciate the horrible consequences of their choice to live in Barry Bonds' home."
7:42 pm est
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Can we have our drone back?So me and the gang are in the neighborhood
playing with our drone, when it goes over the fence and lands in grouchy ol' Mr. Ahmadinejad's back yard. So we draw
straws to see who's going to go ask for it, and Hillary gets the short straw. So she goes up and rings the bell, and Mr.
Ahmadinejad comes to the door and yells, "You kids get off my lawn! And stay off!" So I guess we're gonna hafta
save our allowances for a new super-secret stealth drone.
2:51 pm est
Saturday, December 10, 2011
New GOP Front-runnerNew Republican presidential nomination front-runner Newt Gingrich responded this evening to criticism regarding
his comments that Palestinians were an "invented people." "I know invented people when I see them," said
Gingrich, "having been invented myself by the Pillsbury Company..." Gingrich was unfortunately unable to finish
his statement after an anonymous onlooker poked him in the tummy and caused him to break out into the cutest little giggle.
10:29 pm est
Saturday, November 26, 2011
A Soldier's StoryI listened intently to the words of the old soldier as he
told his story. As he spoke, his face was as void of emotion as his voice. He had the vacant, hollow eyes of a man who had
seen things no one should see, telling stories of things no one should hear. "I never thought I would see this degree
of man's inhumanity to man," he said. "It was just everyone for himself, with no regard to life, limb, or human
decency. Whatever else may come to me in my life, this I can assure you: I will never go back to Walmart on Black Friday again."
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