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Saturday, January 14, 2012
Trial DelayA publication called The News & Observer posted a surprising story that John Edwards' federal corruption
trial was delayed for 60 days Friday so the former presidential hopeful can receive treatment for a "serious" but
unspecified heart condition. The story was surprising because the N&O chose to run the story in spite of the fact that
absolutely no one on the planet gives a flying f*** about what happens to John Edwards.
4:08 am est
Friday, December 16, 2011
Barry Bonds PunishmentUS District Judge Susan Illston today sentenced Barry Bonds to a suspended sentence and 30 days of home confinement
for misleading a 2003 grand jury investigating a steroids ring. "I realize this is a very harsh punishment;" Judge
Illston said while pronouncing the sentence. "however, I believe it is the only way these people can fully
appreciate the horrible consequences of their choice to live in Barry Bonds' home."
7:42 pm est
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Can we have our drone back?So me and the gang are in the neighborhood
playing with our drone, when it goes over the fence and lands in grouchy ol' Mr. Ahmadinejad's back yard. So we draw
straws to see who's going to go ask for it, and Hillary gets the short straw. So she goes up and rings the bell, and Mr.
Ahmadinejad comes to the door and yells, "You kids get off my lawn! And stay off!" So I guess we're gonna hafta
save our allowances for a new super-secret stealth drone.
2:51 pm est
Saturday, December 10, 2011
New GOP Front-runnerNew Republican presidential nomination front-runner Newt Gingrich responded this evening to criticism regarding
his comments that Palestinians were an "invented people." "I know invented people when I see them," said
Gingrich, "having been invented myself by the Pillsbury Company..." Gingrich was unfortunately unable to finish
his statement after an anonymous onlooker poked him in the tummy and caused him to break out into the cutest little giggle.
10:29 pm est
Saturday, November 26, 2011
A Soldier's StoryI listened intently to the words of the old soldier as he
told his story. As he spoke, his face was as void of emotion as his voice. He had the vacant, hollow eyes of a man who had
seen things no one should see, telling stories of things no one should hear. "I never thought I would see this degree
of man's inhumanity to man," he said. "It was just everyone for himself, with no regard to life, limb, or human
decency. Whatever else may come to me in my life, this I can assure you: I will never go back to Walmart on Black Friday again."
Saturday, November 5, 2011
General FiredMaj. Gen. Peter Fuller, deputy commander for programs at the NATO training mission in
Afghanistan, was fired recently for criticizing President Hamid Karzai in a published interview. In response to claims from
Karzai that Afghanistan would side with Pakistan if it were to go to war with the United States, Fuller told Politico that
major players in the Afghan government are "isolated from reality." An Army spokesman explained that Gen. Fuller
was dismissed for violating Army General Order #82, which expressly prohibits top military personnel from saying out loud
what everyone else is thinking.
11:10 am est
Friday, October 28, 2011
Herman Cain CampaignIn a development today that was not entirely unexpected, Herman Cain picked up endorsements for his presidential
candidacy from Phillip Morris USA, RJ Reynolds, the Marlboro Man, Joe Camel, the American Association of Slow Smilers (AASS),
and the United States Political Ads That Make You Go WTF? Federation (USPATMYGWTF?F).
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Not Mitt RomneyMitt Romney today called a press
conference to state his objections to the media's characterization of the GOP presidential nomination race as "between
Mitt Romney and Not Mitt Romney.” Addressing reporters, Romney stated, "Not only is that an insult to my fellow
Republican candidates, it is patently inaccurate. I was Mitt Romney until yesterday, when I decided that I am Not Mitt Romney
also. Not only that, but I am more Not Mitt Romney than any of the other Not Mitt Romneys.”
Monday, October 3, 2011
Occupying Wall StreetToday NYPD officials defended the arrest of over 700 peaceful protesters participating in Occupy Wall Street.
"We're tired of these people coming to Wall Street and taking up space, doing nothing useful for society, thinking
they are entitled to something. We had orders to arrest as many of the low-life, scumbag parasites as possible," said
a police spokesman. "Unfortunately, they all locked themselves in their offices, so we had to settle for some really
nice folks that we met on the street."
7:49 pm est
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
DWTSI absolutely will not be watching "Dancing with the Stars" this season. I'm sure they feel like
they're going to get some sort of ratings boost by allowing such a demented, twisted individual, who is obviously paranoid
and uncomfortable in her own body, dance around on the stage. I hope everyone will join me and boycott the show until they
permanently remove Nancy Grace.
9:16 am est
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Jobs SpeechThe President is set to deliver his speech tonight about his jobs plan. White House Press Secretary Robert
Gibbs not a stimulus told reporters today that the President will be revealing bold new initiatives to create jobs not a stimulus,
while denying rumors that the President had hired former SNL veteran Kevin Nealon not a stimulus to assist him with writing
the speech.
11:04 am est
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Hurricane IreneMichele Bachmann and Pat Robertson engaged in a media
dispute yesterday regarding the cause of Hurricane Irene. Ms. Bachmann claimed that God was angry at Washington over spending.
Robertson countered that Irene was a sign of His displeasure at America for allowing gay marriage. In an ironic twist, the
angel Gabriel settled the dispute with a message that the Almighty's primary targets were Michele Bachmann and Pat Robertson.
2:52 pm est
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Searching for QadafiNATO announced today it is abandoning what had appeared to be a promising lead pointing to the wherabouts of Moammar
Qadafi. "At first, we believed that Qadafi was attempting to communicate with former Secretary Condoleeza Rice in some
sort of cryptic email code," said a NATO spokesman. "We were especially intrigued by the message, 'What am I
gonna do How should I feel when everything is you What kind of love is this that you're givin' me Is it in your kiss
or just because you're sweet Girl, all I know is every time you're here I feel the change Somethin' moves I scream
your name Do whatch got to do.' After several days of study, we realized he was just ripping off Barry White lyrics."
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Budget DeficitI was so relieved this week to hear the news folks say that the budget deficit for 2011 is going to be *only*
$1.28 trillion. What a relief! For a while, I was afraid it was going to be as high as $1.29 trillion. We sure dodged a bullet
there, yessireebob.
11:06 am est
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
DC EarthquakeThe US Geological Survey today blamed hydraulic fracking by oil drillers for yesterday's 5.8 quake in the
D.C. area. "We have long been concerned about the potential effects of fracking, especially when conducted in winter
through holes drilled into surface ice," said Mark Zoback, Chairman of the USGS earthquake advisory committee. "Today
we have conclusive proof of a quake being caused by the proliferation of fracking iceholes in the nation's capitol."
1:01 pm est
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Chinese PolicyVice President Joe Biden caused yet more controversy in China today by saying he "understands" China's
one-child-per-family policy. "I'm sure anyone can understand why you have that policy," said Biden, "because
those Chinese kids are all a bunch of terrorists."
2:14 pm est
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Wedding Faux PasYesterday I went to the wedding of some folks named Kim and Kris. Unfortunately, my lack of knowledge
regarding California customs and laws led me to cause quite a stir at the point where the minister stops and asks if anyone
can show cause why the people should not be married. It was then that I found out that "these people are insufferable
douchebags" is not sufficient cause to stop a wedding in California.
11:31 am est
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Abercrombie $ FitchTo Abercrombie & Fitch: Deposit $10,000 into my
checking account within 48 hours, or I will start wearing your clothes. At Wal-Mart. Don't think I'm bluffing, man,
I'll do it.
8:56 pm est
Different StrokesI'm on a French airplane and I gotta say these French folks have some strange customs. For example, they
don't use bathrooms, they just go in the aisle. I guess that's easier, but a bit inefficient, because they had to
go back to the gate to clean things up. You'd think they would get tired of that after a while.
9:28 am est
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Rick PerryRick Perry announced his candidacy for president yesterday in South Carolina. "I full well expect to win,"
Perry told an enthusiastic crowd of supporters. "And when I am president, I will restore America to a level of strength
and prosperity equal to that of my country, Texas."
8:33 am est
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Cover PhotoNewsweek editor Tina Brown defended the magazine’s controversial cover photo of Michele Bachmann yesterday
in an appearance on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.” Calling the presidential candidate a “very strong-looking
woman,” Brown said, "We wanted to show the personal intensity that is driving her campaign, this thing that's
connecting with people. And, of course, that she's bats**t crazy.
7:52 am est
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