For one of my last job applications, I was asked to fill out some silly questionnaire for some sort of psychological evaluation. I just couldn't understand the relevance of some of the questions, but here's what I have so far. I hope I get the job:

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I wasn't named until 1961. Apparently there were a lot of people named before that.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I can remember it like it was yesterday. I dropped my blankie out of the car window. My dad wouldn't go back to get it because he said it was time for me to "grow up." Actually, it was yesterday, about 3:30 p.m.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?  I don't mind my hand writing, as long as it does it responsibly.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? I prefer not to say. I don't want the other meats to be jealous.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?  I used to, but I found out what was causing it so I went to see a nice man with a sharp knife and medical degree, and he put an end to that.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I am another person. Actually, I am several, and we all like each other just fine.  No we don’t. Yes we do. Well, I don't like you. I like you even if you aren't very pleasant. Asshole.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Maybe a little bit, but I think sarcasm knew what it was getting into when the relationship started.

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I like Grape Nuts, but I have yet to find a single grape in any box.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?  Vanilla. That does not mean I’m dull. Yes, it does. Oh just shut up if you can’t be nice.

10. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?  Petey, that little yipping chihuahua across the street. But my aim is getting better.

11. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? I wouldn’t care which color, as long as I were healthy.

12. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? I certainly hope that hasn’t happened yet.

13. HAIR COLOR?  Hair not color. Hair not able to grasp crayon.

14. EYE COLOR?  Eye color, but eye can’t spel very wel.

15. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? What else would I do with them?

16. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?  Definitely happy endings.  I'll take a good massage over a movie any time.

17. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Actually, I would like to know what the last movie I watch will be. That way, whenever I go to the theater and see that movie playing, I'll say, “Hey, I'm not watching that movie!"

18. SUMMER OR WINTER? Do I only get one or the other? Is there something you're not telling me?

19. HUGS OR KISSES? Yes, please.

20. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?  I'm not reading a book now, I’m answering these questions. 

21. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A mouse,  DUH.

22. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Stones. Beatles don't roll well, and they look sad on their backs waving their legs.

23. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? The bleachers behind center field.

24. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? No, but I do have a Special Purpose.

25 WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Hermann Park Hospital in Houston, right by the zoo. Or was it Hermann Park Zoo, right by the hospital? My parents told conflicting stories.

So this man goes into Steve Jobs' office and says, "Steve, my iPhone 4 gets terrible reception when I hold it this way." So Steve says, "Then don't hold it that way." pa-dump kishhhh. Hehehehehe, ya, Steve, good one - just as funny as when Moses first told it.

For those needing more proof that soccer is un-American: The games come on TV at 9 a.m. How are we supposed to watch "football" and drink beer at 9 in the morning? However, as our team has made it to the World Cup bracket, in the spirit of patriotism I will give it a try.

I spent a few weeks with a nice young man from Rolling Stone magazine. I'm sure he won't print any of the stuff my aides and I said about my boss. But if he does, it's OK, because no one reads Rolling Stone anymore, right?

The Pittsburgh Pirates are arguably the worst baseball team in the major leagues. Somehow, in the midst of a horrible season, they decided to extend the contracts of their apparently very bad general manager and very bad field manager. A young man, employed by the club to dress up as a pierogi and run around the ball field during Pirate games, had the audacity to criticize this mysterious business decision on his Facebook profile, for which he was promptly fired. When I read about it, I'm sure I reacted the same way you did: WTF is a pierogi? And why would anyone want to dress up as one and run around a baseball field?

Call me old-fashioned, but in my day, people wouldn't have dreamed of displaying their vuvuzelas in public, let alone blowing them.

My first car to drive was a three-speed Chevy Vega. I learned to drive it by sneaking it out and taking it to school when I was a sophomore, before I had a license. My dad, an intelligent man, did not take long to notice that the car would be in a slightly different spot from time to time. One day he took note of the mileage on the car before he went to work. When he got home that day he saw that the odometer had changed. I came in from wherever I was just a bit after that, and when I saw him I remember asking him, "What time is it? Is it 5:30?” He glared at me and said, “No, it's time for you to stop lying and sneaking the car out to who knows where.”  Obviously, I was way off with the 5:30.

Lemmee see if I have this straight - The Big 12 has 10 schools, and the Big 10 has 12 schools. Gotta wonder what kind of education those young people are getting.

I'm unhappy with the stoplight situation. I think we're stuck in a rut. We've been using the same colors to signal “Stop,” “Go” and ”Hurry to Beat the Light” for a long time. I think we should shake things up a little and try some different colors. If we can vote on an American Idol, I think we can vote on the new color for “Stop.” Personally, I'd like to see blue, but we don't have to use blue just because it was my idea. I know some people are skeptical about this, but someday when they are stopped at a blue light they just might look back and remember one man’s dream to change the world.

I think we can all learn a little bit from the timeless philosophy of Dan Quayle, who said, "If you give a man a fish, he will fish for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he will fish for a lifetime." You just can't argue with that. No point in it anyway.

I learned to ride a bike when I was 5 by hopping on my brother’s and starting to pedal. The problem was that I didn’t know how to stop or turn. I kept pedaling until I reached the end of the street, so I stopped the bike by jumping off and letting the bike crash. There I was way down the street, when I wasn’t supposed to even leave the yard. So I jumped back on the bike and headed back, stopping the bike with the same crash method I had used before. The bike was a bit beat up by then, and my brother was pretty mad when he found it, but no one ever suspected that I was responsible. Until now, I guess. So, Bro, about your bike in ’66 – Sorry about that.

I saw recently that a survey of C-SPAN historians ranked George W. Bush 41st out of 42 presidents in the category of international relations. The only president they ranked lower than Bush was William Henry Harrison, the gentleman who tragically died just one month after taking office because he neglected to wear an overcoat during his inauguration speech. I think that is totally ridiculous and downright mean. William Henry Harrison was not that bad.

When I was five years old, I thought that all of the music I heard on the radio was being played by live musicians at the radio station. I thought it would be nice to meet them, and I kept asking my parents to take me to the radio station so I could see the music being played. They would tell me some sort of nonsense about how there were not actually people playing the music - that what I was hearing was a recording. I was pretty sure that they were just placating me, although it did seem remarkable that those people could play the same song exactly the same way every time.

The worst teacher I ever had was my third-grade science teacher. She was the epitome of everything that could go horribly wrong with a teacher. She had pets, she knew next to nothing about the subject she was teaching, and she seized every possible opportunity to ridicule her students and extinguish any signs of individualism or creativity. I know a few people thought it was in poor taste for me to go and tell the people at her funeral what a horrible teacher she was, but I think those people appreciated hearing both sides of the argument.

When I was in Cub Scouts, one of our projects was to take some old bowling pins and paint them to look like a little Cub Scout, with a cute little uniform and hat and the whole bit. I brought it home and set it on my chest of drawers. When I turned the lights out, I thought it was staring at me, and it creeped me out so much that I had to put it in the closet. It stayed there until my father sold the house last year.

I think the biggest metaphor for this country’s problems is the travesty known as Double Stuff Oreos. There was just never any call for that nonsense. In my day we never questioned how much creamy filling was inside the Oreos - we were happy with what we had. But for some people enough is never enough. They just had to go cram cram cram more creamy filling on creamy filling. And then there was this business about how people should be permitted to eat their Oreos in just any helter-skelter, pell-mell, no-rhyme-or-reason manner. The correct way to eat an Oreo is to unscrew the cookie, lick the creamy filling, and then eat the chocolatey outsides. Everyone knows that. Who doesn't eat their Oreos that way? Communists, that’s who.

My name in Indian Guides was Little Arrow. When I chose the name, I was under time pressure, and I really didn't get a good chance to consider my options. I've never been happy with it, and I wish I could go back and change it. But that was 40 years ago, so I suppose now it's too late.

I am constantly struck by the beauty, majesty, and magnitude of the universe, with its unfathomable depth and breadth and billions of stars and planets and lights. The wonder of it all is truly amazing, and I can't help being awestruck and thankful every time I see a beautiful sunrise or sunset, or even take a single precious breath. So, not to complain or anything, but I think we could have done without the mosquitoes. I'm just saying.