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Saturday, April 30, 2011
Royal WeddingI'm returning home today from my trip to the Royal wedding. The happy couple told me they got one of those singing
basses with the Walmart gift card I gave them. Those things are a hoot. I am puzzled by something, though. The wedding was
awesome, and Bubba & Ramona Royal are nice folks, but I still don't see what all the fuss was about.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Royal WeddingI made
it to the royal wedding, and it wasn't what I expected. I was surprised enough that Wills & Kate got married in Las
Vegas, but even more so to see the minister dressed up like Elvis. I found out that William likes to be called "Bubba"
and Kate likes to be called "Ramona." And William's "grandmother" is actually his grandfather! Turns
out that "queen" has a whole different meaning in these parts.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Kitchen FireYesterday
Donald Trump discovered a small grease fire in a Trump Soho kitchen frying pan. He found a full can of gasoline and threw
it on the fire. Passing motorists called the fire department as the lower floors became engulfed. After the fire was extinguished,
Trump beamed to gathered reporters, ""Today I am very proud of myself and honored to have played such a big role
in putting out this fire."
Radio comedian Rush Limbaugh joined in praising Mr. Trump's heroics. He did
what no one was able to do," said Limbaugh on his "program." "He got the fire department to send three
trucks to a fire that originally only required a fire extinguisher, and then he actually spun a complete factual bitch-slapping
into a personal accomplishment. He's going to be a great politician."
5:16 pm est
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Birth CertificateThe White House released Obama's "long form" birth certificate today, leaving nutjob conspiracy theorists
in a scramble to find alternative non-news to draw attention to themselves and waste everyone's time. "Everything
is on the table," said Donald Trump. "Except the old Elvis-is-still-alive nonsense. By now, everyone knows that
Elvis is living at the Trump Soho, the most fabulous and luxurious hotel in the world."
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Jim TresselThe NCAA on Monday accused Ohio State coach Jim Tressel of withholding information and lying to shield players who
had accepted improper benefits from the owner of a tattoo parlor. In an effort to avoid NCAA sanctions, Tressel announced
that he will impose severe punishment on himself by wearing jeans and a t-shirt for all Buckeye games next season.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Royal WeddingI finally found out what happened to my invitation to Will & Kate's wedding. Turns out they sent it to Elton
John by mistake. Now I just need to decide on the perfect wedding gift. I'm thinking one of those really classy Tupperware
sets, because after the wedding, they're going to have a lot of leftovers they'll want to keep in the fridge.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Accidental DischargeKoran-burning "pastor" Terry Jones accidentally discharged his firearm in a Detroit parking lot yesterday.
Explained Jones: "I had just laid my musket in the buggy, when a witch in one of those motorized contraptions went by
and spooked my horses. The musket discharged and got me in the arm. It's a little sore, but with some blood letting and
plenty of leeches, I should be fine."
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Scary StormI was driving in the storm the other day, when what sounded like a tornado came out of the sky and almost hit my
car. I thought I was done for, but fortunately it was just Jim Inhofe trying to land his plane.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Bonds TrialAfter spending almost four days deliberating in the Barry Bonds trial, a federal jury found Bonds guilty of being
a major-league asshole.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Budget DeficitIn our ongoing effort to help reduce the deficit, Fox & Friends Co-host Brian Kilmeade and I will be at Walgreens
giving complimentary pap smears and breast exams all next week from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., no appointment necessary.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
KBRKBR issued a press release trumpeting its selection by readers of Woman Engineer magazine as one of the 50 top companies
for women. The company came in at No. 46. Reached by phone for comment, a spokesman for Woman Engineer said that the magazine
plans to improve next year's selection process by including more than 46 companies in the survey and obtaining some female
readers.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Shutdown avertedAn impending shutdown of the federal government was averted after suspected Mexican drug kingpin Hector Huerta Rios
sent a plea to Congressional negotiators in an earnest effort to avoid an impasse on the budget. "If the U.S. government
shuts down, where are we drug cartels supposed to get our weapons?" asked Rios. "AK-47s don't just grow on cactus,
you know."
Friday, April 8, 2011
AutocorrectI have a great one for damnyouautocorrect.com. Last week, my broker sent me a text that said “Buy as much Southwest
Airlines and Boeing as possible.” Today he told me that autocorrect changed “unload” into “buy.”
Hahahahaha, that silly autocorrect!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Safety BonusTransocean Ltd. gave its top executives bonuses for achieving the "best year in safety performance in our company's
history." Said CEO Steve Newman, who received a safety bonus of $372,062: “We made the decision years ago to set
the company safety history bar as low as possible, and now that foresight is paying off.”
Monday, April 4, 2011
Phoenix to SacramentoI took a Southwest flight from Phoenix to Sacramento yesterday. The weather was so beautiful, the captain opened
the sunroof. It's a shame what's happened to Sacramento though - it's starting to look like a desert military
base.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
In TouchWe should always cherish the loved ones in our lives, especially those who are older and living by themselves. If
you have a grandmother who is still alive, and you haven't talked to her in a while, give her a call. Ask her if she might
be interested in a job as closer for the Houston Astros, because I'm pretty sure she could do better than the one they
have now.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Dog WalkThe dogs need some exercise, but instead of taking them for a walk, I'm going to initiate a kinetic canine action
to the end of the street and back.
Friday, April 1, 2011
FundraiserI went to a Joe Biden fundraiser last week. The food was pretty good, but the hold room was kinda small and stuffy,
and it was full of coats and stuff.
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