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Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Ohio State FootballOhio State football coach Jim Tressel submitted a letter of resignation yesterday to Athletic Director Gene
Smith. Mr. Smith told reporters he was not sure that Tressel actually intended to resign, saying that "he's probably
lying about that also."
7:16 am est
Friday, May 27, 2011
Ed Schultz InvestigationMSNBC President Phil Griffin announced this morning that the cable "news" station is conducting an
investigation of comments Ed Schultz claimed to have made about Laura Ingraham on his show. "We think Ed may have made
up an excuse for a vacation," said Griffin. "We can't independently verify his claim, because we can't find
a human being who actually watches the show. Certainly no one here saw it."
7:08 am est
Thursday, May 26, 2011
SchultzEd Schultz began a week-long suspension today after apologizing for his comments about Laura Ingraham on Wednesday.
In a Zogby telephone survey, 90% percent of respondents said they hoped to see him back on television soon, and that he had
always been their favorite character on "Hogan's Heroes."
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Rick PerryRepublican Gov. Rick Perry of Texas signed a bill on Tuesday that would force Texas women to undergo an ultrasound
and other unnecessary procedures before receiving abortion care. "We have always stood firm against the government sticking
its nose in our business," said Perry. "However, we're fine with the government sticking its nose in other people's
business."
2:35 pm est
New Law in North CarolinaThe North Carolina legislature passed a statute today authorizing the prosecution of offenses defined as
"felony douchebag" and "misdemeanor douchebag." Speaking to reporters, NC Speaker of the House Thom Tillis
explained: "Normally, it would be a purely social matter, but we felt we had a responsibility to the people of North
Carolina after watching John Edwards elevate douchebaggery to a criminal level."
2:24 pm est
Monday, May 23, 2011
VerbatimResponding to confusion over his Mideast policy, President Obama dismissed comparisons to Newt Gingrich: “Gingrich
said something he didn’t mean to say, which he claimed was misquoted when the press repeated it verbatim. I said something
I meant to say, which the press misrepresented when they quoted it verbatim. The difference is obviously obvious.”
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Gingrich CampaignOn reports
his campaign is already over, Gingrich spokesman Rick Tyler issued a rebuttal: “The cowardly sharpen their doom-pencils
on the perceived carrion of the nation’s greatest hope in this century, nay, in any century. We reply ‘Cry havoc!
And let slip the Pillsbury Doughboys of war!’ For out of the billowing smoke of the pot I’m smoking, he will emerge,
ready to confuse those who refuse to listen discerningly.”
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Common CourtesyI don't mean to complain or anything, but for those of you who were whisked away today, you could've left
a key to your house under the doormat, so I wouldn't have had to break in. And were you really so busy preparing that
you couldn't stock the fridge? Really?
Friday, May 20, 2011
Quoting Newt GingrichAfter a difficult week, Newt Gingrich has issued a warning to the press: "If I said anything that endangers
my run for the Republican nomination, it was a mistake, which means I didn't really say it, so if you quoted me verbatim
it was actually a misquote, and if you quote anything else I say in the future, and it turns out later that I didn't really
mean to say it, you will be misquoting me in advance."
3:04 pm est
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
John Edwards TapeFormer Senator John Edwards has allegedly vented his anger at mistress Rielle Hunter over the steamy sex video they
made during his White House run, after a North Carolina judge ruled that Edwards' deposition testimony about the tape
would be made public. Sources say Edwards was not really angry about the tape itself, but rather the judge's courtroom
description of the tape as "hot girl-on-girl action."
Saturday, May 14, 2011
bin Laden StashA stash of pornography was found in the hideout of Osama bin Laden by the U.S. commandos who killed him, which
finally explained a number of previous cryptic video messages in which bin Laden claimed he was "taking matters into
his own hands."
10:25 am est
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Fiesta Bowl SanctionsThe BCS presidential oversight committee imposed a $1M penalty on the Fiesta Bowl Wednesday in the wake of
a scandal at the Arizona-based game. In a statement, Fiesta Bowl Chairman Duane Woods said: ''The Fiesta Bowl Board
of Directors understands and accepts the sanctions imposed by the BCS. The fine is substantial, but fortunately it's only
a 30% reduction in the stripper budget.''
10:54 am est
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The Bear CardBob and Ray were camping when a large bear wandered into the campsite. Bob alerted Ray, who then fed the bear some
hot dogs from the cooler. After finishing the hot dogs, the bear went straight for Bob, mauled him severely, then wandered
off without touching Ray. Bob yelled at Ray, "Don't feed the bear!" Ray said, "Hey, I'm not responsible,
and quit calling me a bear. You always play the bear card."
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