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Monday, June 27, 2011
BlagoA jury in Chicago today convicted former governor Rod Blagojevich of nearly all the corruption charges against him,
including trying to sell or trade the Senate seat once held by President Barack Obama. "It was a matter of principle,
and upholding the state's reputation," said the jury foreman. "It's just disgraceful. There's no way
that Senate seat shoulda sold for anything less than 500 K."
3:09 pm est
Monday, June 13, 2011
Name ChangeHouse Representative Anthony Weiner continued a streak of bizarre behavior today, when he officially changed
his first name to "Wonder." According to the Congressman, the name "Wonder Weiner" was not his first choice,
but "Magic Johnson" was already taken.
5:37 am est
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Psychiatric TreatmentRepresentative Weiner planned to check himself into a treatment center on Saturday after House Democratic leaders,
including Nancy Pelosi, called on him to resign and suggested he needed psychiatric counseling. Here's some treatment
for you Tony: Stop sending pictures of your penis to strangers on Twitter. Problem solved. My bill is in the mail.
2:55 pm est
Saturday WorkIt is Saturday, and I have work to do, but I'd rather not do it - so I am looking for a volunteer who will
do my work for me today. There won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.
So you'll have that going for you, which will be nice.
1:03 pm est
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
MemorabiliaDisgraced Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor held a press conference today to announce that he will not
return to school for the 2011-2012 season. "My only regret is that I was not able to win a national championship at Ohio
State," said Pryor, "because I coulda sold that ring and a bunch of game balls for some serious coin."
4:24 pm est
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
WikipediaSo I'm out tourin this great country, not campaignin or anything that would lose me a great job where they pay
me a lot ‘n’ tell me all the questions in advance, just publicizing Americana, and by Americana I mean me, and
I found out that if ya say somethin goofy ya can go into Wikipedia and change history to match wucha say and lo and behold
did ya know Katie Couric invented communism?
Monday, June 6, 2011
Psychology DegreeI was reminded today of when I went to college and
majored in psychology. My dad told me that "a psychology degree and 50 cents will get you a good cup of coffee."
You can imagine the satisfaction it gave me years later to look my dad in the eye and say, "Dad, you were soooo wrong.
You can't get a really good cup of coffee for anything under 4 bucks."
1:17 pm est
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sam AdamsSo I'm still doin' the ole hopey changey attentionwhore bus tour thingy and I just saw the birthplace of
Sam Adams, he who warned the British that they weren't going to take his beer there with his Adams family and his wife
Morticia and his Adams apple and all that other great American common-sensey stuff.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
I Vant to be Alone (NOT)I wanted to take a vacation across this great land, with its really great white people and other patriotic
stuff. Can't I enjoy my private vacation, with my double-sized bus emblazoned with a big copy of the Constitution (which
I hope to learn to read some day) and my grafiky thingy that says "Look at Me! Look at Me! Look at Me!" without
getting harassed by the lamestream repeating things I say verbatim?
8:09 pm est
Friday, June 3, 2011
WeinergateIn a show of bipartisanship today, several Republicans published a brief in support of Mr. Weiner. "This
'Weinergate' business is sophomoric, immature, and a distraction unworthy of our position. No member of this body
should be subject to this kind of abuse, by his own hand or anyone else's, and it should stop immediately," said
fellow Representative Peter Johnson, a Republican from Hardwood, TN.
6:23 am est
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Weiner HackerHouse Representative Anthony Weiner continued today to allege that he was the victim of a computer hacker who
used his Twitter was account to send a lewd picture a college student. Weiner told Fox News that he would "never in a
thousand years" have suspected that anyone would guess his password was "penis."
7:01 am est
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
QB CarsOhio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor spoke to the press yesterday when confronted with the number of cars
he owns. "I just want to apologize to my family and friends, and say how truly embarrassed I am about this car situation,"
said Pryor. "I had 10, but I wrecked two of them, so now I just have 8 like one of them punk running backs."
1:18 pm est
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