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Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Hurricane IreneMichele Bachmann and Pat Robertson engaged in a media
dispute yesterday regarding the cause of Hurricane Irene. Ms. Bachmann claimed that God was angry at Washington over spending.
Robertson countered that Irene was a sign of His displeasure at America for allowing gay marriage. In an ironic twist, the
angel Gabriel settled the dispute with a message that the Almighty's primary targets were Michele Bachmann and Pat Robertson.
2:52 pm est
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Searching for QadafiNATO announced today it is abandoning what had appeared to be a promising lead pointing to the wherabouts of Moammar
Qadafi. "At first, we believed that Qadafi was attempting to communicate with former Secretary Condoleeza Rice in some
sort of cryptic email code," said a NATO spokesman. "We were especially intrigued by the message, 'What am I
gonna do How should I feel when everything is you What kind of love is this that you're givin' me Is it in your kiss
or just because you're sweet Girl, all I know is every time you're here I feel the change Somethin' moves I scream
your name Do whatch got to do.' After several days of study, we realized he was just ripping off Barry White lyrics."
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Budget DeficitI was so relieved this week to hear the news folks say that the budget deficit for 2011 is going to be *only*
$1.28 trillion. What a relief! For a while, I was afraid it was going to be as high as $1.29 trillion. We sure dodged a bullet
there, yessireebob.
11:06 am est
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
DC EarthquakeThe US Geological Survey today blamed hydraulic fracking by oil drillers for yesterday's 5.8 quake in the
D.C. area. "We have long been concerned about the potential effects of fracking, especially when conducted in winter
through holes drilled into surface ice," said Mark Zoback, Chairman of the USGS earthquake advisory committee. "Today
we have conclusive proof of a quake being caused by the proliferation of fracking iceholes in the nation's capitol."
1:01 pm est
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Chinese PolicyVice President Joe Biden caused yet more controversy in China today by saying he "understands" China's
one-child-per-family policy. "I'm sure anyone can understand why you have that policy," said Biden, "because
those Chinese kids are all a bunch of terrorists."
2:14 pm est
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Wedding Faux PasYesterday I went to the wedding of some folks named Kim and Kris. Unfortunately, my lack of knowledge
regarding California customs and laws led me to cause quite a stir at the point where the minister stops and asks if anyone
can show cause why the people should not be married. It was then that I found out that "these people are insufferable
douchebags" is not sufficient cause to stop a wedding in California.
11:31 am est
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Abercrombie $ FitchTo Abercrombie & Fitch: Deposit $10,000 into my
checking account within 48 hours, or I will start wearing your clothes. At Wal-Mart. Don't think I'm bluffing, man,
I'll do it.
8:56 pm est
Different StrokesI'm on a French airplane and I gotta say these French folks have some strange customs. For example, they
don't use bathrooms, they just go in the aisle. I guess that's easier, but a bit inefficient, because they had to
go back to the gate to clean things up. You'd think they would get tired of that after a while.
9:28 am est
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Rick PerryRick Perry announced his candidacy for president yesterday in South Carolina. "I full well expect to win,"
Perry told an enthusiastic crowd of supporters. "And when I am president, I will restore America to a level of strength
and prosperity equal to that of my country, Texas."
8:33 am est
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Cover PhotoNewsweek editor Tina Brown defended the magazine’s controversial cover photo of Michele Bachmann yesterday
in an appearance on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.” Calling the presidential candidate a “very strong-looking
woman,” Brown said, "We wanted to show the personal intensity that is driving her campaign, this thing that's
connecting with people. And, of course, that she's bats**t crazy.
7:52 am est
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Angry LadyThe Lady of the Lake responded angrily today to criticism or what many are calling her "irresponsible"
designation of S&P as Chief Grasper of Our Collective Credit Cajones. "Listen, get off my back," the Lady lashed
out angrily. "I was cold, wet, and tired. Do you know how uncomfortable samite is? Well they don't make it anymore,
so that should give you a clue. You try lying at the bottom of a lake for centuries dressed in that stuff, and see if maybe
your judgment isn't just a bit impaired."
8:14 am est
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Another S&P DowngradeContinuing a week of sweeping and controversial changes,
Standard & Poor's today slashed the social status rating of Ferris Bueller from "Righteous Dude" to "Neo
Maxi Zoom Dweebie."
8:53 am est
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The Lady of the LakeSomeone please remind me: Exactly when was it that the
Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying
by divine providence that Standard & Poor's was to be Chief Grasper of Our Collective Credit Cajones?
11:27 pm est
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Historical PrecedentStandard & Poor made a major announcement yesterday regarding its assessment of the U.S. economy. "After
examining all factors, we have come to a very difficult decision - one we never thought we would have to make," said
S&P president Devin Sharma. "As of Monday, August 8, 2011, for the first time in history, we will no longer be following
the United States on Twitter."
4:14 pm est
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Stern WarningU.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon issued a stern warning
today to Syrian dictator Bashar Al-Assad regarding the regime’s “brutally shocking” campaign of killing
civilian protesters. “If this violence against the Syrian people does not cease immediately,” wrote Ki-moon, “it
is going to be impossible for us to feel good about the millions of dollars in U.N. aid that we will continue giving you.”
Monday, August 1, 2011
CompromiseYou can tell it's a good deal when everyone gives up something, and no one is really happy. The Democrats
wanted increased revenue, closed tax loopholes, preservation of Medicare and Social Security, and moderate spending cuts.
They didn't get that. The Republicans all wanted ponies, and they didn't get those. No one is happy.
2:40 pm est
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