For one of my last job applications, I was asked to fill out some silly questionnaire for some sort of psychological evaluation. I just couldn't understand the relevance of some of the questions, but here's what I have so far. I hope I get the job:

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I wasn't named until 1961. Apparently there were a lot of people named before that.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I can remember it like it was yesterday. I dropped my blankie out of the car window. My dad wouldn't go back to get it because he said it was time for me to "grow up." Actually, it was yesterday, about 3:30 p.m.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?  I don't mind my hand writing, as long as it does it responsibly.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? I prefer not to say. I don't want the other meats to be jealous.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?  I used to, but I found out what was causing it so I went to see a nice man with a sharp knife and medical degree, and he put an end to that.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I am another person. Actually, I am several, and we all like each other just fine.  No we don’t. Yes we do. Well, I don't like you. I like you even if you aren't very pleasant. Asshole.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Maybe a little bit, but I think sarcasm knew what it was getting into when the relationship started.

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I like Grape Nuts, but I have yet to find a single grape in any box.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?  Vanilla. That does not mean I’m dull. Yes, it does. Oh just shut up if you can’t be nice.

10. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?  Petey, that little yipping chihuahua across the street. But my aim is getting better.

11. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? I wouldn’t care which color, as long as I were healthy.

12. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? I certainly hope that hasn’t happened yet.

13. HAIR COLOR?  Hair not color. Hair not able to grasp crayon.

14. EYE COLOR?  Eye color, but eye can’t spel very wel.

15. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? What else would I do with them?

16. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?  Definitely happy endings.  I'll take a good massage over a movie any time.

17. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Actually, I would like to know what the last movie I watch will be. That way, whenever I go to the theater and see that movie playing, I'll say, “Hey, I'm not watching that movie!"

18. SUMMER OR WINTER? Do I only get one or the other? Is there something you're not telling me?
19. HUGS OR KISSES? Yes, please.

20. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?  I'm not reading a book now, I’m answering these questions. 

21. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A mouse,  DUH.

22. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Stones. Beatles don't roll well, and they look sad on their backs waving their legs.

23. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? The bleachers behind center field.

24. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? No, but I do have a Special Purpose.

25 WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Hermann Park Hospital in Houston, right by the zoo. Or was it Hermann Park Zoo, right by the hospital? My parents told conflicting stories.